Two more weeks...

I skipped class this morning, both of them.
I have very little motivation to go to classes the rest of the semester--this is probably a bad thing, but we are so close to the end and all I want to do is finish the work that is required so that the semester can be over and summer can begin.
I kindof experience this at the end of every semester. There comes a point where I so badly need a break from papers and exams and study guides and class; it always happens.
I also didn't enjoy my classes very much this semester, and that hasn't helped me stay motivated either. Don't get me wrong, I experienced a lot of challenges thru classes and relationships, and I was stretched in my relationship with God, so I know I am exited the school year in a better place than when I began. I'm pretty tired though and ready for some rest.

I also have been yearning for times with friends. My mind has been preoccupied with ideas about going strawberry picking, going to Grant's Farm, the zoo, the art museum, having a movie night, etc with a group of friends. This semester kind of left me secluded with my studies and the fellowship I enjoyed last semester was greatly missing this spring. It is a blessing from God that He causes us to need friends. I have felt that need deeply the last couple months and am eager to start getting together with those I love.

My birthday is coming up in five days, and I feel really old. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough to be 23 years old. I've been looking at pictures of myself as a young kid lately and have been learning how to delight in my childhood self. It's easy for me to look at a picture of me when I was four or five years old and to not feel affection or pride or enjoyment of myself. This is really not okay. It reflects how I view myself not only as years ago, but my self-image today. I am worth being delighted in. I am worthy of being enjoyed. I was made by God Himself, in His image. There is something central to my being that has a hard time believing those things. Satan is pretty crafty with his lies about my value. He capitalizes on the destructive messages from various aspects of the world and is forever there, tempting me to doubt God's truth about His goodness.

A huge question I have been confronted with during my first year in seminary first came to me in my Prophets class last semester. Perhaps from the Holy Spirit, maybe just my own thoughts, but it asked, "Will you still believe that I Am good, will you still worship me, even though you will never understand it all and you will always face suffering in this life?"
God help me, what a mind-blowing, foundational question.
Holy Spirit, hold my heart in your grip and lead me to faithful obedience and trust in the Father.

I pray that this question will grab onto your hearts as well, sometime in your walk with God, and that you will be confronted with the same ultimatum that I am wrestling with. May God have mercy on all of us and grant us the faith that only He can give.